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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28079796">How (not) to be Alone</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/defuse00/pseuds/defuse00'>defuse00</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magika | Puella Magi Madoka Magica</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, Happy Ending, Not Rebellion Story Compliant, Post-Canon, Religious Content, Songfic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 18:40:38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,732</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28079796</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/defuse00/pseuds/defuse00</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Homura wants to see Madoka again.</p>
<p>She understands that she isn't supposed to see her again until she dies. And it would be cruel to Madoka if she died to see her. So, intellectually, Homura knows she won't get to see Madoka.</p>
<p>But she yearns to see Madoka, to see her smile, to hear her laugh. This world is so empty without her. And as much as Mami and Kyouko are a comfort to her, she wants the person she actually fought for. </p>
<p>So she tries to talk to God the only way she knows how to.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Akemi Homura/Kaname Madoka</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>44</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>How (not) to be Alone</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> Early morning hours got me dreaming of your face </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> And I can’t sleep much longer without you here </em>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>Homura wants to see Madoka again.</p>
<p>She understands that she isn't supposed to see her again until she dies. And it would be cruel to Madoka if she died to see her. So, intellectually, Homura knows she won't get to see Madoka.</p>
<p>But she yearns to see Madoka, to see her smile, to hear her laugh. This world is so empty without her. And as much as Mami and Kyouko are a comfort to her, she wants the person she actually fought for. </p>
<p>So she tries to talk to God the only way she knows how to.</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <em> Do you think about the past </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Or are your memories a blur? </em>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>"Is Homura in one of her moods again?" Kyouko says as she walks through the door. </p>
<p>"Don't be rude," Mami admonishes. "Akemi-san has the right to whatever spiritual beliefs she wants."</p>
<p>"Not if it gets in the way of wraith hunting!" Kyouko yells. </p>
<p>"Is your soul gem humming?"</p>
<p>"No, but-"</p>
<p>"Then you can patiently wait for Akemi-san to finish."</p>
<p>"No, it's fine," Homura says as she stands. "I wasn't getting any results anyway."</p>
<p>Kyouko opens her mouth, then pauses for a moment.</p>
<p>"Well, can we start eating now?"</p>
<p>"Of course."</p>
<p>As the group dines on tea and cakes, Homura mulls over her limited results. She'd learned to pray in Catholic school, but that was to a very different god. The kind she didn't think existed. But Madoka was out there, and if this new reality was based on her, focusing on the foundation of it was a possible way to find her.</p>
<p>She distantly hears Kyouko complain about the new kids at the arcade and turns her attention to the world that Madoka gifted her.</p>
<p>"They don't respect me or anyone else, you know? At least I understand that if I sass the manager they'll try to kick me out. But these kids act like they own the place."</p>
<p>"You sound so bothered by them," Mami says, holding back a laugh. "I thought you understood rebellious youths like yourself."</p>
<p>"Yeah, this is the sign you've civilized me Mami. I'm possessive over an arcade."</p>
<p>"If you consider yourself belonging somewhere, doesn't that make you part of a community?"</p>
<p>"I guess," Kyouko admits. "Anyway, I want to go check the north end of town for wraiths and raspberry pocky. See you two around"</p>
<p>She leaves and Homura stands to exit herself before Mami clears her throat.</p>
<p>"Yes?" Homura answers. </p>
<p>"Are you alright?"</p>
<p>"Of course."</p>
<p>"You've been praying a lot recently. And I don't think you've been getting enough sleep," Mami says, concerned. "Do you need to take a break from wraith hunting?"</p>
<p>"No, I'm fine."</p>
<p>"I'm sure Madoka would forgive you for taking some much-needed rest."</p>
<p>"Do you remember her?" Homura says, hopeful. </p>
<p>"Of course. I remember the spiritual beliefs of my peers." Mami smiles. "It was quite a beautiful story, you know."</p>
<p>Homura conceals her disappointment. "You're right, but rest isn't my problem," she sighs. "I just don't feel very close to Madoka anymore."</p>
<p>"Hmm," Mami says. "Do you want to talk about it?"</p>
<p>Homura remembers telling Mami everything and not being believed. But she also remembers Mami's kind smile and open door. This is Madoka's new world, and it can't hurt her. So she tells her the whole story.</p>
<p>Mami doesn't comment the entire time Homura tells the story, sipping her cooling tea. By the end of the story, Homura is certain that Mami believes her to be delusional and a monster.</p>
<p>"So you've been hoping to get more in touch with Madoka via prayer?" Mami asks. </p>
<p>Homura nods.</p>
<p>"Well, I know you won't rest until you've seen her. But have you considered that you may be looking at this from the wrong angle?"</p>
<p>"What do you mean?"</p>
<p>"Madoka's ascension didn't make a lot of sense to you," Mami summarizes, "and you don't quite understand what form she has now. But it seems like she understood it very well."</p>
<p>"How does that help me?"</p>
<p>"Her spirituality was probably closer to Miki-san's or another normal student than yours or mine. Perhaps you could find elements that influenced her, and use that to get closer to her."</p>
<p>"That makes a lot of sense." Homura takes a breath. "Why are you helping me? I know you don't believe me."</p>
<p>Mami smiles. "I'd believe you if I was less cynical, I imagine. But it would bring you some closure if you had an experience that felt like what you're searching for. And besides, a teacher should help their students, even if they don't agree with every part of them. I've bailed Kyouko out of too many bad situations she caused to argue otherwise."</p>
<p>Homura nods. "Thank you."</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <em> And all the books say I’m doing it right </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> But on the long days, the books don’t hold me quite as tight. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>It’s fine </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I just miss you all the time </em>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>Homura slides books off of shelves, glancing at the titles before placing them in her bag. She feels a pang of nostalgia, for placing rows of books or guns in her shield. She never had the muscle mass to carry everything she's wanted, but she used to have a way of making do. </p>
<p>A comparison could be made to how Madoka supported her during that time as well, Homura muses as she stacks the books on a side table. She's never had the strength to live for herself, but Madoka drew something out of her that she didn't know she had. She wants to feel like that again. She wants Madoka back. </p>
<p>The books are difficult to pry secrets from. They assume a cultural context that Homura never had, or at least doesn't remember. Her life has been a matter of basic function for a long time. And she had never felt in touch with the rituals practiced around her. </p>
<p>She turns to a book on the history of Buddhism. Maybe a dry recitation of founding concepts will provide a clearer picture of the knowledge she seeks. </p>
<p>The historical reports of enlightenment seem more in line with what she's looking for. They are, if not directly aimed at a foreign audience, at least more likely to assume a completely ahistorical reader.</p>
<p>She's taking notes on the uniting aspects of the various tales when one of the pictures stands out. An image of a Buddhist goddess that is undeniably familiar. </p>
<p>She traces the edges of the printed face and looks at the text.  Phrases jump out at her. “Answers the cries and pleas of all sentient beings and liberates them from their own karmic woes,” she quotes.</p>
<p>She spends hours pouring over the books, learning everything she can about philosophy and mediation.  She will follow Madoka, even if she doesn’t know the way.</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <em> And I’m tired of being treated </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Like it’s me who did you wrong </em>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>Homura feels guilty for trying to contact Madoka in this way.</p>
<p>Part of it, she now understands, is that the beliefs she was raised under made the divine a scary and judgmental thing. She is afraid to approach Madoka in any way besides the one prescribed to her.</p>
<p>But another part of it is approaching Madoka as an equal, pretending that their paths are at all equivalent. Madoka was willing to give up everything to help people, while Homura knows she would not. Madoka showed kindness to all she met, while Homura has been crueler than most could imagine. They were different people and the idea that Homura could ever come to an understanding of what Madoka felt seems absurd.</p>
<p>But if coming to some synthesized understanding of Madoka is what's needed to see her, Homura will do it. So she focuses inward and tries to understand herself. </p>
<p>It's difficult work. Some people might be happy with every part of themselves, but Homura doesn't even like some of her surface aspects. She soon decides to argue why Madoka loves every part of her personality, instead of passing her own judgment. This seems backward at first, but analyzing Madoka's perspective soon softens her own.</p>
<p>She even gets rewarded, as she gets more in touch with herself and the world around her. A glimpse of pink hair, the impression of a smile, the story of a magical girl's tragic end. It requires hours of focus for a brief image, but it warms Homura considerably. </p>
<p>Homura starts to go to the arcade more with Kyouko when she isn't meditating. She recalls enjoying video games before being hospitalized. And her image of Madoka encourages her to find interests beyond searching for her. It all feels strange, doing what she wants to do because she thinks Madoka would want her to, but she has nothing better to do. It's at one of these arcade meetings where Homura has her next breakthrough.</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <em> And all my friends say I’m doing so well </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I’m being so brave, as far as anyone can tell,  </em>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>Kyouko is waiting for the arcade staff to fix the dance machine, but that can't be why she seems so nervous. Homura's only seen her this nervous before she would confess to Sayaka. Or admit that she'd endangered Madoka, in the timelines where she'd understood the consequences of that. What could possibly have her this anxious?</p>
<p>"Uh, Homura?" she starts.</p>
<p>Homura realizes if Kyouko confesses she's going to have to say no. She'll never be able to return those feelings. She steels herself to disappoint a friend.</p>
<p>"Sorry if I was ever, uh, disrespectful about your religion."</p>
<p>What.</p>
<p>Ignorant of Homura's shock, Kyouko continues, "I've always been kind of angsty about people with weird religious stuff ‘cause of my dad and stuff, but you've been pretty chill for the last few months. So this is an apology, I guess."</p>
<p>"No, you weren't - it's fine," Homura says. "I shouldn't have been so intense about it, considering your past."</p>
<p>Kyouko laughs. "See, this is what I'm talking about. You'd never apologize for believing in magical girl heaven when you joined us. I guess Mami got to both of us eventually, huh?"</p>
<p>"I guess. Can I pry a bit about your past, if we're going to be more open with each other?"</p>
<p>"I reserve the right to not answer, but ask whatever you want."</p>
<p>"What are your spiritual beliefs, these days?"</p>
<p>"I still believe in God and all that," Kyouko says, shrugging. "But anything too organized makes me nervous. I've gotten used to my beliefs being my own deal."</p>
<p>"So our fallen are too far away from us to ever feel?"</p>
<p>"Maybe? I think an echo sticks around or something. I've never mentioned this to Mami, but you know the shrine she keeps for Sayaka?"</p>
<p>"Yes."</p>
<p>"Sometimes when I'm near it, I get these little glimpses of something," Kyouko says, eyes distant. "A laugh, or the glint of that hair ornament she had. So, I hope that's her and not some pointless hope."</p>
<p>Homura freezes. A few personal effects and pictures on a little shrine, the kind Madoka would have insisted on had she been here. Sayaka was in the same kind of state as Madoka. Would a few artifacts from this world help her communicate with Madoka?</p>
<p>"No, I would think that's her. I'm glad you still have part of her around." </p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <em> ‘Cause it’s almost been a year </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I still think about that day </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> How I let you disappear </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> How you let me get away </em>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>A bunch of flowers Madoka had loved, when Homura had gifted her them once. A bottle of strawberry shampoo. A duplicate of that stuffed rabbit she had cuddled so much. An old binky of Tatsuya’s. A picture of Madoka's parents. A hairpin of Sayaka's. One of Mami's teacups. And with great reverence, a red ribbon that has no origin in this world is placed in the center of the shrine.</p>
<p>Homura closes her eyes and leans back into a simple wooden chair. She had tried so-called more comfortable chairs for meditation, but none of them had felt right. This should be enough.</p>
<p>She thinks about empty space and peace. About empathy and the reality of others' inner lives. About flowers in spring.</p>
<p>The image of Madoka that enters her mind is so intense that Homura gasps. The emotion disrupts her focus, losing the vision.</p>
<p>She starts again, with renewed vigor. She's done much more difficult things in her pursuit of Madoka.</p>
<p>The image is so clear this time. Madoka looks exactly how Homura remembers her. She drinks in the vision, lost in memory and worship. She's so happy, she almost doesn't notice the hand on her shoulder.</p>
<p>Slowly, she opens her eyes. The image of Madoka doesn't fade from view. It looks like she's there, in the room.</p>
<p>"Hello there, Homura-chan. Did you miss me?"</p>
<p>"Hi, Madoka," Homura whispers, unwilling to disrupt the moment.</p>
<p>"You did even better than I thought you would, which is pretty impressive nowadays. But you haven't left me behind."</p>
<p>"I couldn't. I did too much, loved too much to ever forget."</p>
<p>"No, you could have. When I ascended, I realized that you'd worked so hard to save me and not fall into despair despite everything, that there was no possible world where you gave up on me if I stayed close to you. So I added some extra distance so that you would get better. So that you could choose to love me. You've thought about yourself, become in tune with your emotions." She smiles. "Right now, if I tell you that you shouldn't call for me too often, you fall in love with a feisty but kind-hearted girl who's a little shorter than me, and you would only compare her to me once a month."</p>
<p>"But you can stay, right?"</p>
<p>"I'm too much to stay. Like the sun, gradually burning an image into your eyes. Except your eyes are reality in the metaphor. But I can stay for a little while." Homura leans forward, the void in her heart filling her with longing. "And you can bring me back when you need to. Which will be less than you think."</p>
<p>"Madoka, I'm going to do this as much as I can."</p>
<p>"You won't. Tomorrow you will wake up with your heart full and realize you never needed me to be a person. Then you might decide you love me, not with the certainty of the desperate, but with the confidence of the self-realized."</p>
<p>"Okay. I can wait one more day."</p>
<p>"I know it seems like I'm being unfair," Madoka says, her face softening. "This is hard for me too."</p>
<p>"It's okay."</p>
<p>"No, it isn't. We should be free to spend as much time together as we want, free to live unpolluted lives. But that isn't our fate. Tomorrow, you can decide whether you want to stay in love with me, despite my inadequacies."</p>
<p>Homura laughs. "You're literally a goddess, Madoka. No one could find you inadequate."</p>
<p>Madoka blushes and puts her hand in her hair. "Tha- That's very kind of you, Homura-chan." She clears her throat. "Did you have something else you wanted to say?"</p>
<p>"I just wanted to see you," Homura confesses. </p>
<p>Madoka smiles. "So very humble." She walks next to Homura and puts a hand on the side of the other girl's chin. "Next time, please have a plan for what we should do. I want to experience a little piece of the life we deserved."</p>
<p>Homura nods, eyes closing as the sensation of Madoka's touch overwhelms her. When she can open her eyes, the only sign that Madoka was here is a faint pink tinge in the air that fills Homura's heart with hope.</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <em> I'm fine, I just miss you all the time  </em>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>Homura wakes for the first time without feeling like she's drowning.</p>
<p>There is no horrifying future ahead of her, no loneliness gripping her body. She is just alive.</p>
<p>She still wants Madoka. She's met her hundreds of times, and she's never faltered, never stopped being the best person Homura had ever met. Even when Homura was awful to Madoka and her friends, Madoka somehow found the strength to forgive her, over and over. The strength to be kind, a struggle that Homura has only just started to understand.</p>
<p>She calls and gets a reservation at one of the nicer restaurants in town, and meets Madoka again. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Episode 12: And Madoka wasn't there.</p>
<p>Me: Okay. But what if, Madoka there.</p>
<p>This one took a while, had to do some research before I felt like I could post it. The song is How to be Alone by Allison Weiss. Thanks for all the kudos and comments.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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